...I would have grabbed Prince after the half-time show and put him in at quarterback when they had the chance. However, scientists did find a new species of dinosaur yesterday.....The shittiest-quarterback-to-ever-start-in-the-Superbowl-asauras Rex.

In case you're unfamiliar (hi, i'm The Bullshitter, now we're familiar), this little guy has a couple of wireless ninja toy looking motion sensing, controlling devices which you swing around like a jackass in order to play some of the games. Does Nintendo realize the crowd they're playing to? There are two types which make up the majority:

Type 1: Consists of people of which the reason most of these people are playing these games is to get the warm feeling of the abilities of a superhero or sports star because they themselves cannot chew gum and walk without knocking the power down in a small metropolitan area. These people are just going to realize once again how terribly untalented and uncoordinated they are and probably cry themselves to sleep after a few shots of drano.

Type 2: Consists of people of whom are so morbidly obese or plain fucking lazy that they would rather do just about anything besides physical motion. "I have a brilliant idea! Let's get them to do physical motion! They will learn to love it!".....no, no they won't, but they will learn to hate you for thinking like Richard Simmons. You will need to head in the other direction for these people to buy your shit. Maybe create something where they can play simply by thinking about playing. Work on that.

Your thoughts?

The Bullshitter~

 I saw a commercial for Final Fantasy 12. This struck me odd, because I figured the first time they mentioned that it was THE Final Fantasy, they knew what the fuck they were talking about. How can you have more than one if it is the "Final" anything? Let me try to contrast and compare other "Finals" that we are familiar with to prove my point:

1. "You're finally here".....not...."You're finally here for the 9th fucking time" (the word "fuck" makes anything that much cooler and clairvoyant.)

2. "I have a final exam coming up".....not......"I have three finals in this class and then a final final at the end of the fourth trimester, second verse, of ye paragonal googleplex fortnight."

---see, the second is such a ridiculous use of "final" that it completely threw off the integrity of the entire conversation....the conversation couldn't even handle it.

3. "You're not getting any avacados with your softball match, and that's FINAL!!"......not....."You're not getting any avacados with your softball match, and that's FINAL until I unfinalize the finality of your finess in softball longevity"

---I mean what the hell? No avacados? No fucking way. You can go have your own softball......match?? but I will not be apart of this foolishness.


SOOOOOOO, as you can clearly see. Final Fantasy 12? No thanks mister. You had your finish 11 FF's ago and you need to just walk away from the title.......the "Final Title", which you got 10 more of later on down the road............god dammit.

The Bullshitter~

I've decided that I hate when politicians attempt to make jokes and be funny. Bush isn't funny. Well, he is funny just becuase he himself thinks he is one funny "sum bitch"....really he thinks he is the funniest "sum bitch" there is, and that's what makes it funny. Kerry on the other hand is just a jackass. "I've got a good one.....your mother is a whore, he he he"....wHaT? Political suicide at it's finest. So it sounds like i'm saying I don't want my politicians to be jokers and try to be funny....and I really do feel that way....except i'm a total contradiction, because the minute a comedian gets into politics, that fucker is going to get my vote IMMEDIATELY. It's weird, but it's sort of a "if you can't laugh with them, vote against them", because if politics has become such a joke, why not vote for the guy with the BEST jokes?

I'm done.

It's sad to me because I do have quite the backlog of ridiculous shit, but i'm sure they have their reasons.  Please follow me and my adventures and we'll continue

on with the good times. 

Your friend (or enemy.....you bastards)

The Bullshitter~

My initial reaction was stone-cold sobering.  I, like anyone else in that situation, of course jump on the negative freight-train and start assuming the worst.  However, I did not react that way to her, because she is quite special and I don't judge if someone has a slip-up because it could happen to anyone.  So after doing my research, I found that it's not nearly as bad as most of us think it is.  I myself was completely oblivious to the facts about herpes and realize it's merely a nuisance than much of a danger.  Then it dawned on me that the only thing that is that terrible about herpes is its name.  So i've come up with ten names that would better suit this horrible sounding virus (which by the way is incurable......that's right, for life.....).  Seriously, the name "herpes" sounds to me like "the pecker flesh eating virus".  So lets try these on for size....

10 BETTER NAMES FOR HERPES:

1.  Happies

2.  Gumdrop Fever

3.  The 365 and 1/4 day a year gift

4.  The Bunny Yawns (cute huh?)

5.  Lovers quarrel (stern yet meaningful)

6.  The helping hand (can I give YOU a hand?)

7.  Raspberry Sparkles

8.  Love's Intercourse Remorse

9.  California Dreams

10. Peek-a-boo

I feel strongly that these names would make people with Gumdrop Fever feel much more accepted and would help people be less embarrassed and coerse them to tell the people that they've slept with about the danger that they may be in.  But really, who doesn't want some Bunny Yawns in their life?  I know I could sure go for some.  Of course, statistically speaking, 1 in 4 women has it, 1 in 5 men have it, and 90% of all people who have it don't even know it.  So if you get a little Peek-a-boo every now and again, go see your friendly physician and he can give you a helping hand.....I mean he can help you out....

The Bullshitter~

Hee-Haw Gifts

HOW (AND WHY?) YOU CAN SMUGGLE A SHITLOAD OF SNAKES ONTO AN AIRCRAFT:

*Disclaimer: This is expert shit, so only try this at home.

Ten ways to smuggles snakes on board: Assuming that you are not dead already from gathering....oh we'll just say one male and one female of the top 10 deadliest snake species......you have the following 10 top options in getting them on board.....

1.  Sit down and negotiate with the largest two snakes and have them swallow all of the other snakes (for convenient relocation) and SOMEHOW crawl up into the wheel-well of the aircraft and then purge the cargo.  Hopefully the snakes are compliant and willing to try anything once....

2.  Fly overhead in your helicopter (if you don't own, rent) and when the 747 is parked at the jetway, drop the snakes one at a time through the sun-roof of the jet.........because we all know that 747's come standard with sun-roof, satellite radio, douche-bags in first class, and a 15,000 mile drive train warranty....

3.  Dress them up as a human-resemblent figure (for security purposes) and when then stealthily stick them (yes, all 20) in the pilot's back pocket as he goes to get on board.  (It's not gay if it's your pilot)...

4.  Tie them together to make a 100 foot (and awkward to lasso) rope and rope the landing gear of the plane as it ascends......then the rope shall climb it's way into the wheel well and continue on with the plan.

5.  Send a few on board with each terrorist......it really doesn't even matter if they bite him, because the snakes will undoubtedly make a clean escape onto the plane even if the terrorist collapses in a venemous shock.  Everyone will just assume the terrorist was carrying a nerve toxin on board and didn't realize he was suppose to put it in the drinks and accidently drank it himself (in the name of allah....of course).

6.  Have a runway snakeball fight and "accidently" start throwing them into the luggage compartment.

7.  Find a flight that serves spaghetti for their next meal, and replace the noodles with snakes.  Nobody will know, and even if somebody realizes "holy shit, those are some really big god damn noodles!", the noodles will have already bitten and eaten that all-too-observant plan foiler!

8.  Instead of putting a copy of Sky Magazine, or whatever other useless piece of crap air reading material they put on the plane, replace it with a deadly snake that everyone can read and enjoy.....

9.  Create and entertaining "Snake Parade" that at first seems friendly and cute.(.....but they AREN'T friendly and cute are they?!?!)  Then march them through the plane so they can entertain the simple planespeople ("entertain" = "bite the holy hell out of and possibly eat").

10. Have it start raining snakes while the pilots have their windows rolled down.

There you go......give it a whirl.

The Bullshitter = Funniness

1. Snakes on a rollercoaster without seat belts.
2. Snakes in a cement plant. (oh the horror!)
3. Snakes inside of snakes on a plane.
4. Snakes in every toilet bowl.
5. Snakes with wings......and......feelings (oh the humanity!)

It will be nice, because you can basically use all of the actors......and CGI snakes for that matter to make every one of these movies. Why don't we just cut out the actors all together and make something like "Donkey's with fangs, and detachable jaws.........and ears!!!".
I heard at one point in time they were trying to change the name to something a little more catchy.......and a little less plot revealing I suppose, but Samuel L. Jackson said he wouldn't do it if they changed the name. But really, what name could you change it to instead of what you've already got? Here's some options for that too.....

1. And I was worried about terrorists.
2. Who brought all of these fucking snakes on board? What the hell? Not cool.
3. 1st class and the snake in the grass (which sounds far too similar to "splish splash I was takin' a bath" but I left it anyways)
4. Our in-flight meal today is DEATH!!
5. Time to jump.

This plane no doubt is going to end up in a corkscrew nose-dive into the ground.....just like Samuel L. Jackson's career after making it.........

Love,

The Bullshitter

10 WAYS TO BECOME A TERRORIST SUSPECT:

1.  Slowly walk by airport security guards, and if any of them look at you, flee to the nearest exit yelling "In the name of Allah!!!".

2.  Walk up to everyone you see and tell them that your name is Muhammad al Ameen and ask them if they know where the "Muslims against America" meeting is tonight. 

3.  Go to your local College or University and ask them if they offer any classes in Skyscraper Aviation.

4.  IF you actually make it onto a plane, as you go to take your seat, introduce yourself to everyone on the plane one at a time and say "I'll see you at the bottom".

5.  Order numerous credit cards in the name of Muhammad al __________________ (fill in blank with anything with a Islamic twist) and go make numerous purchases for peroxide, gun powder, fertilizer, cameras and make long distance phone calls to random people the Middle East and just set the phone down and stay on the line.

6.  Send a post card to George W. Bush that says "Hi, my name is Muhammad al _________________ , and next week I am going to hijack one plane from every airport in the world all at the same time........BY MY SELF!!!"

7.  Stand out in front of the airport and start shooting artillery shells at cab drivers.

8.  Grow a maingy and strung out beard, go to the airport and try to check your missle at the front desk.

9.  Run out onto the runway, and shout like a maniac that your name is Muhammad al _________________ , and then go try to stop a jet engine with your face in the name of Allah.

10.  Get half-way through airport security, set your bag down, and take off running while plugging your ears.

This should get you exactly where you aspire to be as a terror suspect.  Good luck!

The Bullshitter~

Bush vs. Hussein: Live on Pay-Per-View

Baby Einsteins

1. Tricky Dick and the Barstool Bandits

2. The Bullshitter and the Portuguese Pumpkin Tumblers

3. Dewey Decimal and his System

4. Tango and Cash Cash Money Holler at yer Bitches

5. Captain Bullshitter and the Plunder Ass Battallion

6. Our Talent is Questionable but Please Buy Our Shit (aka....OTQPBS)

7. Go Go Gadget Pimp Hand

8. The Date-Rape Engagers

9. The Egregious Gumdrop Monsters

10. Professor Bullshit and the Donkey Punch Delivery Service

11. Boris don't touch my Yeltsin

12. The Smog Boxers

13. The Turbo Tax Write-Offs

14. Dusty Bucket and the Bullshit Posse

15. The Hoo-Ha Rescue Crew

16. Twinkle Twinkle Little Commie

17. The Alzheimers Designers

18. Pooma T-Rex and the Shiggy D Destroyers (have no idea which hole I pulled that one out of.....what the hell is "Shiggy D"?)

19. Flop Popkins and the Double HN

20. Kreepy Krawly and the Jittery Filtersnatchers

I could go on forever, but I think they are all good.  I should go into the band naming business.  I hear that's a hot market, but you have to know somebody to have a chance at climbing the band naming ladder.  However, I need some input on which one is the best.  So please place your vote on the poll....however if your favorite is not an option just leave a comment.  This is serious business people.

The Bullshitter...........         

Bush vs. Hussein: Battle Royal!

With love and regards,

The Bullshitter

If you're like me, (which you are certainly not!!) you would have already ordered your tickets online for Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.  I have 15 reasons that I have waited for a month for this cinematic masterpiece to come out, and i'm going to tell you two of them.....

1.  Will Farrell is the funniest man in the world.

2.  The writers of Anchorman wrote this movie, and it's going to make fun of a whole shitload of people......and if you know anything about me, you know i'm fond of that.

NASCAR is the most ridiculous thing known to man.  I'm not going to refer to it as a sport, because it isn't.  If NASCAR is a sport, then so is watching TV.  You both sit there and do nothing.......ya here me?  NOT A FUCKING THING!!  I think they should have a random redneck drawing from the crowd (which is usually in the 100's of thousands for some mysterious reason) and make them stand in middle of the track on an elevated platform and follow their favorite car with their eyes the ENTIRE race.......and also drink a beer every lap, which shouldn't be much of an obstacle....they'd probably get bored and need to drink two because NASCAR is just a big party anyways (which means I would really like it I guess......damn it!).

So, here's to the manly men, with the fastest car, and the.....NASCiest NASCARs????? 

I also want to introduce a different flavor of BLOG i'm currently apart of.  I grabbed one of my witty friends and we are starting a really funny back and forth blog titled:

The truth as told by liars.  We swear.

Check it out.....and don't be shy.  Drop me a line, say hi.....talk a little shit even.  Just show some god damn signs of life out there!!!!  IT'S FRIDAY!!!

Ta ta,

The BS

I feel let down by America right now.  America is now Darwin's waiting room, while similar people would be filtered out through the "too stupid to survive" system in all other countries.  America is the only place where someone can completely fake their way through life and pretend like they are compitent, and COMPLETELY pull it off and live quite comfortably also.  For example:  I work with a man who is a complete turd.  He worked for 30 years somewhere else, and he and I were hired at the same time for the same department.....a department which they never had so there are only two of us rookies.  I had high hopes of him bringing alot of experience to the table, but as it turns out, he faked his way through his last 30 years and knows absolutely nothing.  What the fuck?

The best part is, we are in the training process and travel quite a few places, and I get to travel EVERYWHERE with him.  I like to travel, but now hate it because I always have this 56 year old excuse for a man who seems to have the knowledge and wits of my left ass-cheek.  On-top of that.....he's from Jersey....but he's one that gives all of them a bad name.  He goes on incandescent swear rants that would make anyone proud.....like "Jesus shit hell".  Simply brilliant.  Meaningful and brilliant.  The best part is when something goes horrendously wrong, for instance when a room isn't just the right temperature, he will just start tossing out vulgar diatribes like "fucking son of a bitch" and any other useless arrangement of words for absolutely no reason at all.

But the best part, is that he is just a fat, lazy, piece of shit.  Food is his number one priority and leaving work at 3:00 sharp is his second priority.  We will go out for a steak dinner on a business trip, and he will stop at a store and buy 3 bags of chips to snack on in his room.  He is the problem with america's obesity problem and it makes me want to vomit on his face....and maybe up his nose a bit.  There can't be anything worse than someone else's vomit burning your nose.

Gotta go,

The bullshitter~

So my life has been about a 5 day party....and I have some horror stories.  I fell in a fire last night......not by choice.  I DID NOT DIVE INTO THE FIRE!!!!  I decided we needed more fuel for the fire and talked some friends into gathering a log with me.  We went to throw this big bastard into the fire and I was in the lead.  So we gave it a toss.....and a branch was behind me and took me with it straight into the fire.  I think I may have broke my hand.....not sure yet.  I have several second degree burns though....ha ha.

Watch out world.  I have a degree now and am coming to rule the world!!! Be afraid...

Other than that....I am moving out to Seattle friday, so if any of you are there......who cares.....

I have some relationship advice for some of you ladies.  Whatever you do.....desperation is NOT a good look on any gal.  I had a girl on the hook that had everything in the world in common with me....but she clinged her ass off and it completely freaked me out.  I am really pissed off about it to.  DON'T GET NEEDY AND CLINGY AND HAVE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF FUCKING INDEPENDENCE!!!!  God dammit....ha ha

Love,

The Bullshitter......who has returned!!!

10 things that have happened since we last spoke:

1.  Spring Break in Vegas:  Made out with 4 different girls.....took 2 home.......had sex with 1.

2.  The girl that I had sex with actually was from the same college town as me.....which goes on to prove what happens in Vegas doesn't actually stay there....

3.  Between Me and two buddies......we successfully wrecked a decade worth of relationships in one night.....my buddy had a two year GF, the girl I slept with had a 3 year BF....and the third girl had a 2 year BF also.  You're right....that's only 8 years, but it's still impressive.

4.  We flew back to Denver and got home at 4:00 a.m.  I drank that day to delay the hangover that was inevitably going to happen.......and apparently I needed one more drink because I had to hang onto a vomit for the final 20 miles.  Mouth watering, stomach ready to burst.......I was able to wait and power puke in my own front yard.  Going to once again prove that what is drank in Vegas......stays in my front yard.

5.  Went out dressed like a pimp last night...........turns out I was too drunk to be much of a "Ho runner".

6.  Told my parents that I was diagnosed with testicular cancer for April fools....but left the message on the 31st to play it safe.  Turns out they went out and got drunk that night....didn't get my message until the next morning.  On a funnier note....they bought it......I told them immediately that I was joking.  My dad called me a cocksucker......but eventually laughed.

7.  Had sex with a girl while she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone.....he was being an asshole to her and I didn't like it.  Take that fucker!

8.  Had two girls sleeping in my bed all night and I wasn't there............only because I was sleeping with another one at her house....

9.  Had to make my ex-girlfriend cry because she went friend hunting to try to get my attention......turns out one of my friends was stupid enough to take her home.  If there's one thing I hate more than mushrooms.......it's sluts.

10.  Almost had sex with a girl that is 6'6".........the most gorgeous sasquatch I have ever seen.

Bye.

The Bullshitter~  CHECK OUT THESE REALLY GREAT SHIRTS>>>>>>I HATE SLUTS!!<<<<<<<<<<

The Top Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right

Happy Birthday to me......the Bullshitter

CHeck out shirts that make you pee in your pants.....here

THINGS I LOVE:

1.  Boobs

Have a great day,

The Bullshitter....thanks everyone who have purchased shirts at Hee-Haw Gifts, you are awesome...

IF I WERE OSAMA...

1.  I would try to ride my goat up the steepest, rockist mountain there was....

2.  I would have my Al Kaida servants build an igloo out of stones on a stone surface and then have them sit inside while I fire bullets into the front door....

3.  I would tell really stupid jokes and then laugh really hard to see who laughed the most at my stupid jokes...i.e. find out who the biggest ass-kisser was.  Then I would take that person and lock him in a cave with a bunch of horny camels.......

4.  I would shave all the hair on my body and then see who could recognize me....

5.  I would have all of my Osama look-alikes compete in a foot race through United States controlled territory.  I would then fire (shoot) anyone who actually made it the whole way because they OBVIOUSLY don't look enough like me to cause a commotion....

6.  I would probably get really into bouldering, mountain climbing, and mountain biking........possibly even base-jumping.....and don't forget eXtreme camel riding.......

7.  Try to run really fast through the mountains and see if that pesky cameraman could keep up....and if he couldn't, have him fired (shot).....

8.  I would stop taking it in the ass from my body guards....that's something I would change.

9.  I would make annonymous calls to the U.S. Army and tell them I am in various strategic locations.  That way they would come through and bomb those areas, and if I did it right.....we could maybe eventually build a decent road through those really shitty areas....

10.  I would probably order a dune-buggy with a Hemi....or a camel with spikes....

11.  Do the "milk challenge" and whoever puked first would have to do somersaults down the mountain....

12.  Spray paint "Osama rules!" on all of the main boulders.....

13.  Call Guiness and try to set the record for "The most Islamic radicals with beards living in a remote area far far from civilization that haven't showered in 6 months, that are wearing sandals........ that can fit in a cave".  I think I heard the record is 59......so that'll be a cake walk....

14.  Invest in some chalk or pastels and write 1000 times on the cave wall.....

      I WILL NEVER FUCK WITH THE UNITED STATES AGAIN

      I WILL NEVER FUCK WITH THE UNITED STATES AGAIN

      I WILL NEVER FUCK WITH THE UNITED STATES AGAIN

15.  Last but not least......I would work on the little bladder control problem.  You know....the one where I hear U.S. bombs in the middle of the night and I piss the bed while fearing for my life and wishing I had a desk job like everyone reading this, just sitting there in their warm offices, freshly showered and shaven, and with a freshly washed set of clothes.......this terrorist business really has it's ups and downs.....life isn't so bad is it you cubicle monkeys?

Thanks for stopping by,

The Bullshitter.......you should go buy a really funny shirt~ Hee Haw Gifts

There will be new designs shortly.....