THE BULLSHITTER

I was sitting in my room feeling lonely and sorry for myself today.  That immediately made me think of other lonely people....and what they do to pass the time.  This all led me to thinking about the loneliest person in the world....Osama Bin Laden.  So I put myself in his shoes and thought i'd see what I came up with.  Not literally in his shoes....more or less after the whole "i'm a giant douchebag that likes to ruin peoples lives because i'm a miserable prick" stage.  So I compiled a list of things I would do to pass the time, if I were Osama....

IF I WERE OSAMA...

1.  I would try to ride my goat up the steepest, rockist mountain there was....

2.  I would have my Al Kaida servants build an igloo out of stones on a stone surface and then have them sit inside while I fire bullets into the front door....

3.  I would tell really stupid jokes and then laugh really hard to see who laughed the most at my stupid jokes...i.e. find out who the biggest ass-kisser was.  Then I would take that person and lock him in a cave with a bunch of horny camels.......

4.  I would shave all the hair on my body and then see who could recognize me....

5.  I would have all of my Osama look-alikes compete in a foot race through United States controlled territory.  I would then fire (shoot) anyone who actually made it the whole way because they OBVIOUSLY don't look enough like me to cause a commotion....

6.  I would probably get really into bouldering, mountain climbing, and mountain biking........possibly even base-jumping.....and don't forget eXtreme camel riding.......

7.  Try to run really fast through the mountains and see if that pesky cameraman could keep up....and if he couldn't, have him fired (shot).....

8.  I would stop taking it in the ass from my body guards....that's something I would change.

9.  I would make annonymous calls to the U.S. Army and tell them I am in various strategic locations.  That way they would come through and bomb those areas, and if I did it right.....we could maybe eventually build a decent road through those really shitty areas....

10.  I would probably order a dune-buggy with a Hemi....or a camel with spikes....

11.  Do the "milk challenge" and whoever puked first would have to do somersaults down the mountain....

12.  Spray paint "Osama rules!" on all of the main boulders.....

13.  Call Guiness and try to set the record for "The most Islamic radicals with beards living in a remote area far far from civilization that haven't showered in 6 months, that are wearing sandals........ that can fit in a cave".  I think I heard the record is 59......so that'll be a cake walk....

14.  Invest in some chalk or pastels and write 1000 times on the cave wall.....

      I WILL NEVER FUCK WITH THE UNITED STATES AGAIN

      I WILL NEVER FUCK WITH THE UNITED STATES AGAIN

      I WILL NEVER FUCK WITH THE UNITED STATES AGAIN

15.  Last but not least......I would work on the little bladder control problem.  You know....the one where I hear U.S. bombs in the middle of the night and I piss the bed while fearing for my life and wishing I had a desk job like everyone reading this, just sitting there in their warm offices, freshly showered and shaven, and with a freshly washed set of clothes.......this terrorist business really has it's ups and downs.....life isn't so bad is it you cubicle monkeys?

Thanks for stopping by,

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