THE BULLSHITTER

I sat down to write this week.  I sat down and I wanted to write everything that hadn't been written before.  I sat down and realized that even though I aspired to do all these wonderful verbal things and throw dainty vernacular and catchphrases out to tickle your little minds and thoughts, I was incapable of that today.  I have nothing to write about today, and there's nothing I can do about it.....let me explain...

I have absolutely nothing on my mind right now that is worth putting down on paper.  I sat down and started looking around the room.  I just about started talking about how horrible pre-made bloody mary's are.  I had a bad bloody mary experience, and it has forever scathed my perceptions of that beverage.  I was hung-over and was pregaming for a football game.  The worst bloody mary ever arrived, and I couldn't drink it.....and neither could anyone else.  It was fucking horrible.  Tasted like somebody wiped their ass with a tire, and then had me lick that tire.  Long story short, I forever will never be able to enjoy bloody mary's....

Do crazy people think we are actually the crazy people?  I pride myself on being sort of a crazy person, but what if the most dull, boring, personality-less people were actually the craziest people in the world.  How crazy would that be?  Well, if those traits defined craziness, it wouldn't be crazy at all.  In fact, talking about the chemical composition of 409 would be crazier than base-jumping.  How crazy would that be?  Well, not very crazy, because it's off the charts in our standards....and according to the new system of "not-so-crazy is the craziest of all"....you are a really cool and crazy guy.

Did Oedipus really do the hippity-dippity with his mom?  You must really have to be into older women that act, look and think like you.  I actually got some junk mail the other day that said something about "Older women are hornier" or something like that.  I thought about it and decided to delete that email because the only time I will go after older women that much older than me is when they are younger women to my old ass.

How bad would it suck to get stabbed?  I think getting stabbed would be the worst fucking thing in the world.  A bullet, "Pow!" fires from the gun, "Shoooom" takes flight and zips through your flesh, "pllllrt" the sound your flesh makes after bullitical contact....which is the contact a bullet makes with your flesh.  You have to endure a little pain, but a knife....no fucking thanks.  I would rather be stabbed with a baseball bat in the head.

How does Martha Stewart know so much about shit that guys couldn't care less about?  There's no way I could carry on a conversation with that person.  I would be like "Hey Martha, how's it hangin?" and she would be like "Good, I really like the embroidery of your curtain hangings..." and then I would be like "Oh....uh....those aren't mine....the hotel owns those.....I probably better get dressed and get out of here...".

I like football much better than basketball.  At least in football, your mother can't run around on the court with you and blow the whistle everytime things get "too rough".  Football, you can be getting beat, and some guy can start talking shit, and you can just do everything in your power to destroy his dreams.  At least if you get beat in football, you never leave mad because you probably almost killed a man....and chicks dig that killing people stuff.....

See ya,

The Bullshitter, partners with Hee-Haw Gifts