THE BULLSHITTER

I don't normally just rant about things.....well, I do....but today is special.  I have compiled a quick ditty about some of the things in this world that straight up drive me fucking crazy, or that I have absolutely no explanation for why they happen.  When these things happen, I want to pretty much go try to fornicate with a grizzly bear.......so without further adieu....

1.  Female conversation timing: Why the hell do women ALWAYS try to talk to you when you are in another room and something really loud is right next to you?  It gets better....not only are you in another room, but I swear they turn their backs to you and pull a down winter coat over their heads.  I'm getting so accustomed to this fact, that whenever I walk into a room with music playing........or a washing machine running......or.......a chainsaw buzzing, I basically fall into a default automatic "peel your ears" mode because I know the louder the noise is in the room that I reside, the more important the god-damn muffled "sounds like I have a mouth full of marshmallows" conversation will most likely be.

2. The word "like" used incorrectly:  I dated a girl that used this word as at least every third word in a sentence.  "I like want to like go over like to the like bowling alley, and like see like who might like be there......like."  FUCK!!!!!  Not only do people like that (maybe you?) make me want to swallow my own head (I actually only want to swallow my ears, but I think it would be easier to swallow the whole shebang), but I want to rip all of your teeth out, so at least listening to a complete gramatical moron with a lisp has a snowball's chance in hell of making me laugh which in turn helps me slightly (very slightly) disregard what i'm hearing.  The totally ironic part of this story.....is that this particular female majored in communication......WOW.  

3.  People who eat like horses: I happen to live with TWO of these inbreds.  It's comparable to listening to two prarie dogs simultaneously eat each other......and since all of you know EXACTLY what that sounds like, I know we're on the same page.  What bothers me first, is that the one eats with his mouth completely wide open, which results in an obligatory smacking of the lips, mouth, tongue and food.  If this isn't horrifying enough, he then proceeds to what I can best describe as "making love to the food".  This is like a noisey make-out session with your mouth full of chewed up mexican food.  The second one does a little different maneuver that he put his personal stamp on, and I like to call it "turbo smack n' chew race against time with fear that if I don't eat fast enough and obnoxiously enough my food will jump off of my plate and escape to freedom".  This little number is basically as described.  He eats extremely fast, and does the miniature mexican food smack, however he does three times as many smacks so it has the generic equivalent as those done by roommate #1.  Yes, there are some circumstances where this doesn't bother me....and that is when i'm either in a room with the TV volume as high as possible, at a picnic and out of earshot, or I've drank enough to where I can't feel feelings.

4.  The word "sick" when it doesn't mean "ill":  "Dude, that was a totally sick jump!"  Uh.......what the fuck?  The jump almost vomited on you?  Is that what just about happened Billy Slang?  I would stay away from that fucking jump because I don't want any arial maneuver vomiting on my favorite pants!  What gets me most about this little phrase, is that it's usually a guy from the suburbs thats parents are Doctors and he's trying to be a giant poser of a skateboarder...........or something.  When I hear "sick" in this context, it makes me want to kick my own ass for hearing it.

Other pet peeves:  Close talkers, mumblers, bad-kissers, girls who use to much tongue, fake-laughers, diva's, people who cut me off, indecisiveness, thoughtlessness, cowardess, and..........sluts.

Drop me a line anytime,

The Bullshitter~ and of course........Hee-Haw Gifts