THE BULLSHITTER

So I come from a relatively small town of 7,000.  I don't make it home much because, quite frankly, there's nothing worth going home to besides family which now is pretty much spread all over the map.  But when I do, I make it a point to go into to the one bar that I may run into anyone I know......so I do this, but there's always the other shit-heads I have to see that I don't want to see.  So instead of going there later in the evening, my father and I go in around 4:15........

So the plan is to start early, and end a little earlier than we normally would.  We meet some of our regular "let's get sauced and laugh at others" get togethers which I am so fond of.  An afternoon of heavy boozing ensues to a degree I never expected from a bunch of middle-aged men.  Luckily i've been training for about.......mmmm.......8 years, and can tilt with the best of them.  Before I know it, it's about 8:00 and I have a suprising dose of holiday cheer in me.  The rest of my family and some soon to be brothers in law show up at the scene of the crime to join us.  Some goons I used to go to school with show up and we dive into the usual "Hey, how are you.....what have you been up to......awe, that's just great!" usual bullshit. 

My girlfriend calls me and happens to be on the war-path about something, and i'm not really in the mood to kiss her ass to get her to calm down.  She's one of those girls that tries to make your life a living hell if you're not with her, or if you're having fun and she isn't.  I figured that this was the problem, so I have my mother get on the phone with her to soothe her and let her know it's all ok and i'm out with the fam.......this plan IMMEDIATELY backfires!!!  Turns out, my mother is like 90 lbs and 5 foot nothing and has already hit her drinking limit of 3 beers.  She starts out ok, and decides mid-conversation that she is no longer intersted in being the mediator, to speed up the process she tells my girlfriend to just dump me and not worry about it.  I wasn't aware of this until a conversation with the girlfriend the next morning.

I continue to drink and mingle with some of the real winners of my hometown wondering when all of my friends were going to get there.  Luckily I was cornered on occassion by some of the hot women I used to go to school with/oogle endlessly over which helped break up the lack of good conversation.  My family all of the sudden all decide that they are leaving.....like they had a tribal council meeting and made a unanimous decision and it didn't matter if I was in or not.  So they all leave, but luckily a bunch of my friends show up and I begin to chitty-chat with them.  Needless to say, I vaguely remember seeing the people that I actually talked to because of some shots that snuck up on me.  This happens a lot, and maybe some of you can relate......I get to the bar, drink enough to where I don't remember everyone that I talked to, and the ones I do remember, I don't remember what we even talked about......talk about catching up. 

My night ends abruptly....and it's a little bit of a blur, but this is what I remember of it.  I walked out of the bar, and i'm pretty sure they did last call.  I walk to my vehicle, and realize I forgot my coat inside.  I go back inside, and it looked like a circus in there, and I had no chance of finding my coat.....plus I could barely walk, talk, or for that matter....see....things.  I didn't want to drive, so I decided that I would just sleep in my truck that night.  I pass out momentarily, and i'm rudely awakened by some guy not as drunk as me banging on my window.  I open the door, and aparently he is trying to play "good sumaritan" and get me out of my truck so I wouldn't drive anywhere.  I was NOT in the mood for this for a few reasons.....such as.....I was sleeping, I was super-hero drunk, and I wasn't going to attempt to drive ANYWHERE.

So he asks me what i'm doing, and I tell him that i'm getting ready for bed.  He tries coaxing me out of the truck, so I play along....and it really suprised me how sly I was being considering I didn't know what my name was.  He asks for my keys, but is acting very suspicious.....to the point where I thought he was either a sheriff's deputy or police officer that was off-duty.  So I decided I wasn't going to wait for his buddies to arrive.  We start walking, and he just says "let's go this way".....so I start walking, and then get him to look away, and I run back to the truck, get in....and drive to my buddy's house 2 blocks away and go crash on his couch.  Whew!

I wake up the next day only to find that my truck had been side-swiped while I slept.....so all in all, a really fucking weird night.  I drive home, it is now christmas eve day, I stop and buy some necessities for dinner, and head home.......no tickets, a little confused, but no worse for the wear......

END DAY 2

The Bullshitter~

Don't forget about these little guys >>>>>>>>>> Hee-Haw Gifts