THE BULLSHITTER

I'm sitting here blogging away in bloggy-land, USA (population: a lot) and I had a revelation.  As I write, I listen to the radio....and it is playing CHRISTMAS MUSIC AND IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER!!!!  So i've come up for a solution to playing christmas music a month before christmas.......and that is to come up with thanksgiving music......

It's not even December, and I already have to listen to Christmas music.  This is really depressing, because I don't mind it at first......but i'm so damn tired of listening to it by the time Christmas actually rolls around......that evertime i'm on the 5th floor of any building, I double-check to see if there are any easily accessible open windows for me to do a belly-flop out of.  My solution to this problem is to come up with Thanksgiving music.  Thanksgiving could consist of something like.....funky Arabic Techno.....just to change it up a bit.  Of course, you know we'd just end up having to stomach this crap a month in advance to thanksgiving anyways......thus placing me reluctantly back to square one.  Therefore, the only solution would be to have New Years, Valentine's day, my birthday (you better represent!!), St. Patty's day (this is MANDATORY.  All who disobey will be MANDATORILY shot in the meniscus with a close range rifle......even though i've temporarily forgotten the exact location of the meniscus at this time......it just sort of flew out of my proverbial mouth......or, my proverbial typing fingers.....i'll get back to you later on that.....), April fool's day, Easter (holy.....shit), Mother's day, Memorial day, Father's day, 4th of July, Labor day, Halloween, and Thanksgiving......music.  I figure if there's holiday music year round, we can't be ass-pounded by only one genre.  So, I will quickly break down what each of these genre's entails, and prepare you for what the future has in store....

New Years Music - Probably something like........Elton John, Cher, Coldplay and U2.....why you ask?  Because this holiday's music is the "everyone will be so drunk that they either won't hear the music, won't remember the music, or won't care what is playing as long as it's music" music.  Therefore, this is where we get all of the really REALLY vomit inducing artists out of the way.  I mean, might as well get it out of the way at the beginning of the year right?  (NOTE:  These artists will be immediately shipped to France after their New Year's performances....).

Valentine's Day Music - Your obligatory Barry Manilow and all other sappy love songs.......which for the love birds, helps them fall into a deeper trance of ridiculousness.....or for the ones that don't have a significant other will cause them to drink themselves to oblivion and cry themselves to sleep cuddling with their pillow (unlike some of the ones above who will go to bed biting their pillows.....ha ha, sorry, had to go there....lol).  Also, a lot of hookers will be purchased on this day....

My Birthday Music - The coolest, hard-core-ness music ever conceived to mankind.  A full array of mixed goodness that will tweak all emotions and release all available stockpiled endorphins!  (For example, the Linkin Park/Jay-Z project)....

St. Patty's Day Music - OF COURSE this is going to entail a lot of Irish dancing and drinking music, which automatically sets the mood for belligerant drunken mischief and endless sexual permiscuity.  GOD BLESS THIS HOLIDAY!!!

April Fool's Day Music - Will consist of absolute silence to allow for the affect of full irony and confusion.

Easter Music - I spose will have to be something religious and exciting.  Wait, I think I just broke any and all laws of linguistic possibility by putting "Religious" and "Exciting" in the same sentence......probably will just be some Sunday "love thy neighbor, or love thy neighbor's wife" music.....I don't know.

Mother's Day Music - Would probably just be Bette Midler or something.....(How great would that be?  One straight week of Bette Midler!!!  Wooo Hooo.........."barf").

Memorial Day - We would probably end up listening to a lot of older music about the good old days, by good old boys like Johnny Cash...(I'd like to have a moment of silence for the man in black......which shouldn't be tough unless you're reading this blog out loud to family and friends.....and if this IS the case, say hi to uncle Pete......he is one CRAZY asshole!)

Father's Day Music - Most likely music about what it is to be a manly man and about the manly men who made these manly man's man men, by manly music men......(say that 13 times fast........in a robot voice). 

4th of July Music - This would no doubt be the Patriotic "we're America and we kick ass" rally the troops music, or "We're the United States, give us your lunch money NOW!!" music......or "We're America, we just stole your bicycle, whatcha gonna do about it???" music.

Labor Day Music - Songs to the tune of "I've been working on the railroad", "Workin' in the coal mine", "Take this job and shove it", "Why don't you get a job"...etc etc.  Basically songs about finding/doing/giving/losing jobs...(minus songs about "blow" or "hand" type jobs...we all know good and well that those are all Valentine's Day songs.......)

Halloween Music - On your kick-ass radio stations, you would be able to hear tunes by Powerman 5000, Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, Godsmack, Linkin Park......and things of this nature.  That's easy for them.  However, for the adult contemporary stations......you'd probably wind up with some.....Green Day.....or something "older person heavy".

Thanksgiving Music - I previously mentioned that this would be Funky Arabic Techno....and at first it didn't make sense, but now it does.  It would NO DOUBT be Funky Arabic Techno, because this would be the music that would remind ME most of what I am thankful for.....which is the fact that we don't reside in a country overrun by sewer-dwelling, bottom-feeding terrorist bastards who spend day after day plotting how to destroy everyone else's lives and well-being just because they are a collective group of miserable, selfish, ass-mongers who don't deserve to see sunlight.......or any kind of light for that matter, ever again.....unless of course it's a bon-fire, in which case we will set up a nice picnic for them on a cement park bench in the middle of in order to prepare them for what their eternal afterlife has in store for them for being such belligerant, uneducated, haters of all that is good and promising to mankind. (Whew!  That felt good.  Anyways, moving right along....)

NOTE: The meniscus is the half-mooned piece of cartilage in the knee that lies between the weight bearing joint surfaces of the femur and the tibia.  It is triangular in cross-section and is attached to the lining of the knee joint along its periphery.  There are two menisci in a normal knee; the outer lateral meniscus, and the inner medial meniscus.................but if you have my knee, you also have a "totally radical" meniscus....which makes you twice as cool, and twice as nimble.

NOTE OF THE NOTE:  Just for my "special" readers....."Periphery" means "outskirts" or "perimeter"......sheesus christ....you people and your demand for definitions is REALLY putting a damper on the progress of this blog.....buy a dictionary....damn.

So in conclusion, if you refuse the demand of St. Patty's Day music.....apparently i'm going to shoot you in the knee with a close-range rifle......so heads up, you rebels. 

But there you have it, the solution to listening to Christmas music in mid-July.  So get out there and stock up....it's going to be a long year!  I can't wait.......i'm done~

Merry Christmas,

The Bullshitter~

Here are some great Christmas presents that we have on year-round holiday discount!!!

  HEE-HAW GIFTS