THE BULLSHITTER

Here is a compilation of "this one time" true personal stories I decided to throw together.  Man those were the good ole' days though weren't they?  I'm so old.....I mean, i'm feeling every one of those 22 years right now.....

This one time.... I was really over-joyed because I was done with finals.  So I was going to go try to abuse this new-found freedom I had attained.  First though, I had to take a crap.  So I went into the crapper in the engineering building after my last final.  It was a really good one, I'm not going to lie to you.  No, it wasn't just good, it was GREAT!!  You know...one of those nice forceless ones that pretty much takes the shit for you... and then to make it better, there's no mess to clean up?  Yeah, that's how it went down.  So, I stood up with a big smile on my face, because this day just kept getting better.  I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, and went to buckle my belt immediately after I had flushed the toilet.  However, apparently I lifted my right arm higher than the left one, and unfortunately had a pair of sunglasses in the front pocket.  This motion caused my sunglasses to squirt out the left side of my pocket and gracefully swan dive into the toilet and immediately down the drain.  So, all in all, I was out a pair of sunglasses....and I want to find the fucking liar who claims those toilets only use 1 gallon per flush, because those toilets could swallow a thanksgiving turkey.

This one time....  I had this girlfriend that lived in another state.  The drive from my town to hers took about 5 hours one way.  So I went to stay with her one weekend during the summer and was really looking forward to it.  The last day I was there we decided we were going to go to the local reservoir and go swimming.  It was like 95 degrees out, so I decided this was a really good idea.  As it turns out, this lake is two bugs away from being legally declared as a sewage pond....minus the shit/piss look and the shit/piss smell.  So as you can imagine, a rather deceiving sewage pond.  So we went for a dip in the frickin' hot weather.  One (or many) of these little scabies made a home in my body somehow.....presumedly because I swallowed the liquid death lake water.  It took all of 2 hours for the effects to kick in......on the way home.  So i'm driving, and exhausted, but I thought nothing of it and contributed it to a long weekend.  Made it home and began vomitting violently.  I finally got to the dry-heave point in the spell, and figured it was safe to go to bed now.  I WAS WRONG.  No, I didn't throw up anymore....and actually slept great!  However, I felt a little funny when I shook the sleep off.  Something wasn't right.....and I laid there and thought about it.....and thought some more.  SOMETHING WAS VERY NOT RIGHT.  As it turned out, I didn't throw up at all, but my bed was really covered in something nasty.  The conclusion ended up being that I ended up developing quite the case of "RBM"....or as we like to say "Rapid Bowel Motility".....yeah, I shit myself in my sleep.....

This one time.... I was home sleeping.  It was a thursday night, when most college kids begin their weekends.  So my ex-GF decides to stop by after the bars close for a booty call.  I have zero complaints to this because I love sex as much as the next person who loves sex.  So, turns out she's a little intoxicated, but not worse for the wear......and just immediately jumps my bones.  I didn't even have time to see who it was at first, but then figured it out after a little hands-on detective work.  So, I began with the foreplay and things start to heat up.  This goes on for awhile, and things are going quite smoothly.  I lay her down on her back, and begin removing articles of clothing.  She's just begging for it, so I hurry up.  This is where I get the suprise.  I get down to the last level of security, and start removing her thong with my teeth....bad idea friends....BAD IDEA.  Turns out she's WAY drunker than she led on, and as i'm removing this article from her body.....she farts in my face.  Not cool in any sense of the word.....................so I had sex with her to get even....

This one time..... I was drinking beer with some friends in a hot tub.  It had dawned on me that we had been in there awhile, and that I probably had to go to the bathroom.  I thought about it for a minute, and sure enough...I had to go take a piss.  I was in sort of a crunched up "your bladder can hold more than it feels like" position, and I paid for it.  I jumped out of the hot tub and realized I was in need of a urination station IMMEDIATELY!  I ran into a bathroom, and couldn't get the knot untied from my trunks......which ultimately led to panic, which was closely followed in 2nd place by bladder failure.  Needless to say, I stood there and pissed my pants on the bathroom floor....still struggling with the knot, but feeling totally relieved/embarrassed/drunk at the same time.  I cleaned it up, jumped in the shower which was conveniently located IN the bathroom ( I know, weird )....and nobody but you's guys knows!

Have a great day~

The Bullshitter