THE BULLSHITTER

Yesterday was clicking right along at about 60 seconds per minute, when things just started to get depressing.  I had a test from hell, a shit-load of homework, and I came home to sleep it off.  Just before I did, I clicked on CNN and saw a little diddy on bird-flu.  I'm not going to lie, it sent my day to the bottom of the barrel when I found out how i'm going to die this winter.  Like they say, "don't count your chickens before they.......

....get the flu and fucking die."  Let me cut through the skinny on the Avian bird-flu first....maybe send a chill or two through your body....or drive you to your liquor cabinet or whatever crutch you may require. 

The Avian Bird flu began as a virus that spread among birds as influenza does among us.  However, there has been a recent mutation and now the virus can be contracted from bird to human now.  So that's good news.  Also, there is only about a 50% survival rate if you in fact are infected.  It's a pretty great way to go though....I mean, you begin with the regular feverish symptoms, which occur at an accelerated rate...and you eventually drown on your own body fluids.  How wonderful is that going to be you ask?  I'll tell you.  It'll be great, as long as it's you and not me.....or your stupid pet duck "Walter".  If I find out I have that crap, i'm going to drown myself in something sweet.......literally, like Hawaiin Punch....I love that shit.

All in all though, I think we could prevent a thing or two at this point.  First off, stop befriending chickens and ducks!  These are not your standard pets.  I spose some "I'm going to be different than everyone else and be cool" dipshit decided that he wasn't going to have a stupid cat or dog for a pet....I bet he was all "I'm not going to have a stupid cat or dog for a pet.....OOHHHHH NO!, I'm going to have a pet bird....and not just any bird...but one off of the farm".  Well WAY TO GO ASSHOLE.  You not only started a trend, but you also started a pandemic!!  I hope you're happy.  You started off trying to be different than everyone, and now you're going to be the exactly the same as everyone.  Dead. 

I'm not done yelling at "bird man" yet.  Pandemics are NOT cool!!!  What were you thinking?  Really.  You would have been better off with a pet dragon, or a pet crab farm in your tighty whiteys. (Which by the way you will now NEVER have, because not even nasty chicks dig guys that start pandemics!!!!  Hope you enjoy that celibacy, douchebag.) 

The good news, is that I now have a good excuse to shoot at any and every bird I encounter.  I mean, those birds are trying to KILL ME!!!  It's either him or me, and i'll be damn if i'm going to be taken out by a fucking pigeon or seagull. 

Some world organization was saying that 100 million were suppose to die if it became a pandemic.  However, I believe that Nation Center for Disease Control in Atlanta thought 7 million was a more realistic number.  WHEW!  ONLY 7 million.  Hopefully it hits the death row inmates first.....that would only leave 6,976,798 people left.  Which increases my chance of survival by like 0.000234% (if you're into math).

NOTE:  Is it just me, or does anyone else find it impossible to JUST say "National Center for Disease Control"...without throwing "in Atlanta" in the phrase.  It just sounds naked without saying "in Atlanta".  I'd probably have a conniption fit if "The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta" ever moved somewhere else, like Milwaukee.  I would still end up referring to it as "The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta in Milwaukee".  Let's just hope it doesn't move more than once.....now i'm just being facetious.

So I guess, my plan of action is just to head to my cabin in the mountains and hope this little inconvenience passes.  Maybe i'll start up a family band and tour the countryside.....haven't planned that far ahead yet. 

Who am I kidding, I'm incapable of planning more than 2 days in advance for anything.....especially a pandemic.  So if it comes in the next two days, i'll be ready.....will you?

Healthily yours,

The Bullshitter~

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