THE BULLSHITTER

So, here's a quick take of mine on reality television....more importantly, MTV's "The Real World".  I despise this show, and quit watching it back in middleschool........

So the way I see it, you have to pretty much have issues that doctors haven't been able to pin a name on yet....or it's named after YOU, to get on this show.  You have all of your general steriotypical characters.....like that jock, the player, the gay person, the black power guy, the party girl....and the virgin.  In no particular order, or combination of course....

Why this show has been running as long as it has, i'm not sure.  Right now season 16 is airing, and i've actually caught myself watching some of it just to see if anything has changed.  Who are these assclowns that think they are a big deal because they party for 4 months and get in fights and childhood drama....issues they should have conquered when they were in their teens.

With that being said, I have a story that i'm not particularily proud of....and i'm going to share it with you because of its completely ridiculous nature.  It involves me, and the above rant.....so here it goes.

MTV came through my town doing a casting call for the Real World (I know, this story is already screaming "No, you didn't you son-of-a-bitch!").  So my girlfriend is a HUGE fan of a lot of these stupid shows, like "The Real World", "Laguna Beach", "Maury Povich"...you know, the shows that pretty much define EVERYTHING that is wrong with our society.  As it so turns out, she is a HUGE fan of the Real World.  I have made fun of her continuously for it, and she gets pissed at me. 

So this casting call comes our way, and I saw it in the paper....and told her about it, and she was really excited, and was determined to go to the casting call.  So comes the day of the audition.....and she's nervous as hell.  It's sort of an all day event, and she's getting cold feet.  Not because she doesn't think she can make it, but just because they make you look like an ass....and wait in line on our main street of the city and let everyone see you, honk at you, and mock you for as long as you're visible.

So it's getting late in the day, and she's trying to talk herself into going....but it's useless...she's going to back out.  So me being the noble boyfriend I am, cut a deal with her...."If I go with you to this damn thing, you are buying my Engineering Books and giving me oral sex." (that's how much I didn't want to go).  She agrees, so I find myself standing in line with her for a fucking Real World audition.

So as you can imagine, at this point, i'm feeling stupid, but it means a whole lot to her, so I don't feel so bad.  So we both fill out this little 2 page application while we're waiting....normal questions about you...yadda yadda yadda.  The next step is to file inside in groups of 10.  Luckily, we were in a familiar tavern, and I happened to know the bartender.....yahoo for me!

So you basically have to wait in 3 different areas before your group even gets a look.  So immediately I order a pitcher of beer, and figure if i'm going to stoop to this level.....I will be intoxicated....that way I have an excuse, because my buddies will never let "I did it for HER" fly.  So I'm drinking, and rotating....and drinking.  Finally, our group of 10 goes into the basement.  My GF was 2 groups ahead of me at this point, and I see her head outside....

Well, I had talked to someone that said they will pull you aside from your group if you move on to the next round....so clearly she hadn't.  But they don't tell you that.....they say "we'll call you in 24 hours if you made it to the next round".  So she leaves with her hopes still high, but I didn't get a chance to talk to her.  So into the belly of the beast I go....

10 of us sit down at a table, with some metrosexual, ears pierced, dude named Damien....what a tool.  So he starts it off with "Why don't we go around and introduce yourselves, where you're from, your age, and something interesting about you".....it turns out my table is full of dipshits....and me, who at this point had about 6 beers in him.

They go around, and "I'm a all-state volleyball player" or "I was named super all-yah, blah blah blah".  It gets to me, and I tell them my name, where i'm from, my age of 22....and I thought i'd make my something interesting....well, interesting....so I say "I got hit in the ass with a golf ball last summer......and it really hurt."  So i'm really not caring....my girlfriend is outside, and I just want to escape this public embarrassment.  Not the case.

They grab me and this other guy, and tell us that there was something screwed up with our paper work, and we need to go upstairs to straighten it out.  Little do we know, that they were herding us into a room to grab ANOTHER actual application that is like 15 pages consisting of 80 short answer questions.  They said "Ok, congratulations, this is our application....it's due in by 8:00".  It was at that time 5:45...so i'm thinking "shit, alright, i'll play your fucking game".

So I sit down with another pitcher of beer and begin filling out this pain in the ass.  I get about an hour in, and am only on page 7....at this point I have the realization that i'm never going to fucking finish this thing at this rate.  So I decided that if I was going to make it worth my while....I was going out with a bang.  At this point, I begin writing the first thing that came to my drunken head and scribbling it down.  I fly through the ensuing pages, and it is straight up "Don't Care" bullshit.  I was the biggest sarcastic asshole you've never imagined...

Question:  What is your opinion of those with different sexual orientations as you?

My Answer:  I don't care what they're doing, as long as they're not doing me.

Question: Have you ever had an eating disorder?

My Answer:  I once had a running week-long affair with a double whopper....but I ate the whole thing everytime....so, NO.

.....and so it continued like this for the other 8 pages.  I get it turned in, and am wondering what the fuck I just took two hours of my life for, to fill that thing out.  Whatever, i'm going home.  So i'm at home, talking to my GF, and getting ready to drop her hopes about the whole thing becasue she still thought she had a chance...but was wondering what took me so long.  I start to tell her about this application I had to do on the side....and my phone rings. 

It's like an hour and 15 minutes after I turned in my application....and they had already called me back.  They inform me that they want a follow-up on-camera interview.  I am to dress nice, no derogatory clothing...and prepare to have, what they referred to as "fun".  All hell breaks loose.  My girlfriend knows I got a call back, and that she wasn't going to get one.....and that I didn't give a shit....and she did.

She would NOT TALK TO ME for the entire night....that's how mad she was.  Needless to say, my stupid ass is in with MTV the next day doing a 1 hour interview about my application, and about my life.  I ended up in the top 5 of 1000 that applied from here.....which I still don't understand.

So moral of the story goes as follows:  If you want to get on a reality TV show, just don't care about anything at all, and be a giant sarcastic asshole in/on everything they ask you to do.....and you've got an honest shot at the title.

So all in all, I went to a Real World Casting call as "moral support", and now I find out in 2 weeks if i'm going to be ON the fucking show......my life is very random. 

Please don't shun me, I have officially gone against all that is holy to me~

Sincere Apology,

The Real World "Bullshitter"