THE BULLSHITTER

I got into a vicious smiling contest recently.  If you've never been in a smiling contest, you haven't quite tested your limits of endurance, courage and discipline........yet.....

It was my finest hour.  I was in hour 22 of Smiley McSmilerson's Smiling Endurance Championship (sponsored by Trojan).  It came down to me, and Jafari Rubahandaramihoobanandi (pronounced "Roo-ba-andah...wait, ruband....shit....rudamentary...nope.  Awe fuck it".  I had never known Jafari to this point in my life, and I had a newfound respect for him.  Sure, i'd seen him stroll across campus.....always with a smile, or at the least, a coy smirk on his little East Indian face.  Little did I know, the guts and gumption of this man....or child.....this, MAN CHILD BOY CHILD, ran down into each leg, and probably up into his Ninja Turtles backpack where not even a surgeon's biggest scalpal could find them.

He was a 5 foot nothing, 100 and nothing pound smiling machine.  I thought I had been around the block a time or two......i'd seen a thing or two.......dammit, i'd smiled with the best of them.  From Jack Nicholson to Julia Roberts(after beating Julia at regionals in '03, I was in intensive care for 3 weeks being treated for lockjaw and dehydration).....I had taken them all down, and was just hitting my prime.  But it will be the last time I underestimate an opponent.....and I learned an important lesson - They don't have to be famous to be good at smiling.  It sounds crazy, I KNOW!  But i'll tell you a tall tale, which you probably won't believe.....but I was there the day Jafari Rubahandaramihoobanandi shocked the nation, and changed the world as we know it...

Jafari was unlike any opponent I'd ever encountered.  He didn't stand there expressionless before the match, saving all of his smilabilities (as we like to call it in the pros) for gametime....no not this man.  He didn't do any of those pussy face stretches.....he just smiled, and he was damn good.  He smiled like it was nobody's business, and it wasn't....that's how good he was.

NOTE:  IF YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT MY DRIFT THAT HE WAS A GOOD SMILER, RE-READ UNTIL THIS POINT.

The clock had started.....*tick* *tick* (that's what the clock sounded like....idiot), I was known across the land for my smiling dominance.  I was especially good at the middle distances, and an EXCELLENT FINISHER...(he he).  It had been said that I was like a bulldog .......except my jaw didn't lock down on children's arms......and legs....it locked into smiling position, and yes, like a bulldog, I had to use a crowbar ........to pry it back to normal!  I know, you're saying "Yeah right, I don't believe it for a minute!  Nobody has ever smiled like that and lived to tell the tail, buster!".....WELL BELIEVE IT, and if you still don't believe it, then head for the mountains you.....non...believer!!

We were rapidly approaching hour number 10, and like it typically happens in a test of ultimate smiling strength, I was sweating like a whore in church.  But that is completely normal....what can I say....i'm a sweater ok?!  (Not the warm wool one either jackass).  I glanced at my opponent, and his eyes were closed, and I didn't think he was breathing.  So as anyone would do in this situation, I asked the line judge to check his vital signs to make sure he wasn't cheating by being dead......of course it sounded like this "Heeey......villll yu sheck 'is vissle sins zecuz i sink hes sheating".  (At this time, I'd like all of you to put your biggest smile on, and with your teeth clinched, and without moving your face, try to say "Hey will you check his vital signs because I think he's cheating".....not very easy is it you hypocrit?  And I hope somebody saw you do that, because now they think you have rabies....ha ha). 

So as it was, the authorities checked his vital signs.....he wasn't dead....and he wasn't cheating, he was taking a nap.  THAT'S HOW GOOD THIS MAN WAS.  I knew I was in for my toughest challenge yet!

Hour 21 was upon us.....going into this match, I thought I was in the best shape of my life.  I had spent months watching and laughing at comedians on Comedy Central, and playing re-runs of past olympians falling during clutch moments.....and laughing at that too....but I wasn't prepared for this.....*duh duh duh*

I knew I was finished.....my smiling career was over as I knew it.  Maybe I could sign on as a free agent with some mediocre smiling team, and see if they'd fit me into the roster....even though i'm too damn old to keep up with the game, but too damn stupid to get out......*coughjerryrice*.  I didn't know, but Jafari was the new crowned champion.....because I collapsed in my own urine puddle and was seeing visions of Hindu people....no wait, that was just Jafari's family.....whoops.

So that's the way it was, my own personal story of when I used to be on top......everyone hits their prime, but what's important is how you adjust after you're finished.  How did I adjust?  Well.....I just started going around telling people how stupid smiling contests were, and how nobody cared about them, and that only jerks who liked barbies and ......hated cool stuff and being considered cool themselves....competed in....stupid smiling contests....those contests are so last year.  Your parents probably hate you if you like smiling contests.

So as you can imagine, smiling contests dissappeared from the map shortly thereafter......?  Oh, and by the way, if you're thinking about getting into the smiling profession, i'll warn you right now.  It's a life of destruction.  Smiling contests have done to me, what boxing has done to Muhammad Ali.....

Moral of the story:  There really isn't one.  But I got you to look like a complete ass with a giant smile on your face....and had you mumble something that nobody probably understood.....ha ha.  You can now officially run for about any government position in the land....way to go.

Actually, I just changed my mind.....in order for you to really feel this story and relate to it, I advise you to get into ONE ametuer smiling contest.  So just look over to your neighbor right now, and say "Hey Fucker!  How about a smiling contest?"......good luck my friend~

Keep Smiling~

The Bullshitter