THE BULLSHITTER

It's learning time again.  I will now give an insider's tip on how to approach week one of college life.  I'm an expert, so proceed with caution, and don't try this at home.....

It's back to the college life once again, which makes me happy.....and gives me nightmares....I'll explain.  The thing I love about 90% of colleges in the US, is that we are given the obligatory first week to completely slack off or what the politically correct (or obliviously correct) call "getting back into the swing of things".  Don't get me wrong, some people need a week to adjust to things like, um...waking up before noon....and clothing themselves.

However, to all of us on the inside, it's pretty much just a week to party our asses off with the friends we've not seen all summer....or for the newbies, to meet anyone and vomit everywhere.  So, at least where I go to school, (which I will remain anonymous about, because I really don't mention any fine details about my name/age/location/favorite color(blue) because I like to remain anonymous), we spend the entire first week walking around like a bunch of hung-over zombies.

This is one of the best weeks ever......for everyone but us Engineers.  For us non-typical engineers (non-typical being "I love to drink, party, play and watch sports, have sex and NOT walk around with a handheld gaming device and grumble to myself because 'they' took away my Jedi Knight status because I couldn't find the 5th Golden Goblet Mongrel".) we get to deal with the fact that our professors on the norm, assign homework on the second, if not the first day of class.  I have a roommate in Elementary Education, and his professor showed up with a hand puppet and a sombrero on, and started talking to himself.  What the fuck is this shit?!?!?!?!  His shows up with a hand puppet and mine show up with an iron fist of revenge and 4 hours of weekend homework problems?  It'll pay off I guess, but for now i'm jealous as hell.

Maybe I'll just show up to my classes with a hand puppet and start talking to myself in class.  Maybe if i'm lucky the hand puppet would know where that frickin' 5th Golden Goblet Mongrel has vanished to?  If I were a betting man, I'd say he's residing somewhere near the shantytown of Glouprithawah, off of the Saint Ignatius riptide hollows.....but that's just me.

So usually you begin the week, which means Sunday, with a day of golf and cocktails.  Usually you wake up in the middle of the night with horrible DTs because this is day 4 of boozing till you blacked out.  Monday enters, and you've already decided that you aren't going to drink because you know the end of the week is going to be rough; the end of the week being Wednesday on.  However, your good buddy Jake calls you and says "Hey there buddy pal friend, let's go out and have a beer like social gents and discuss the times".  So you reluctantly agree, and the next thing you know, three gals that are "wearing the things that those size of gals shouldn't be wearing", are packing you to the parking lot and offering you a ride home.  Luckily, you vomit and they scatter like Ben Affleck after being offered a respectable movie part.

So come Tuesday, you accidentally partake in the century club with all the other friends that "really want you to hang out because we haven't partied all summer".  Remember that the days are still full of professors going over syllabus policies, and every time they mention the word "exam" you break out in a cold sweat and dry heaves. 

Whiskey Wednesday comes and goes, and I say "comes and goes" because the only thing you remember is nothing.  Luckily Thursday is the "big party night", so you are ready to unwind and really break loose.  So you break SO loose, that you end up waking up in some foreign bed, and the only thing you know is that you smell ass, and are pretty sure it isn't yours.....however, you let one go as you flee from the room because hey, everyone needs to mark their territory.....or at least prove that they are worthy competition.

Friday and Saturday continue the same, usually involving a football game and other events which if you don't pre-game and post-game for, everyone will disown you for not showing school spirit.....because that's what we call it.  But these run into a frantic fog of hurting and smiling at the same time.....

So thanks to the University Deans and Presidents alike for giving us that time to "get familiar with our environment".  We appreciate it, and so do some of the parents who get to make the return trip the next week to pick up young Billy who is already a college dropout because to the parent's knowledge "he just couldn't adjust to college life".....when in reality, he didn't get a chance because he got so damn excited with week one that he forgot he was suppose to sign up for classes.

Therefore, the only way to survive "week one overload" is to leave town by Wednesday night.  Becasue if you don't escape by then, you are doomed!  Ok, I lie.  If you don't enjoy week one, you might as well just go enroll at BYU or something, because you are dragging the team "fun morale" to the seller.

I'm actually heading off to Florida Thursday morning.....for a football game of my team.  I won't mention who, but if you're that curious there George, you'll look it up and blow my cover.  But it's a tradition to follow our team and go rape, pillage, plunder and deface one state a year.  We've already decimated Texas, Tennessee, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada.  Florida, get ready.

God Bless week one, you're my best friend....besides Abdar, he's great.

The Bullshitter~

HEE-HAW GIFTS~