THE BULLSHITTER

Today I'm going to give a rundown on concert etiquette........sort of......in my own eyes....and words....and.....excessive amounts...........of.............dots..........

Today is a great day, due to the fact that I'm heading to a Jack Johnson concert at Red Rocks, CO.  If you're unfamiliar with Colorado, here's what your missing.

1.)  Some of the snobbiest "self-proclaimed cool" egomaniacs that have ever scathed the face of our fair mother earth.  Not that ALL Coloradoites?....or Coloradoans?.....or Coloradans? are like that, but some make you want to punch your mother.  That's how bad it is, because what else would persuade you to do such a nonsensical act?  I guess if your mother was a giant Bee Itch, then this argument has no significance to you.....let's assume nice mothers for now.

2.)  Some of the worst drivers you can't even imagine.  Picture soccer mom, in Escalade, on cell phone, with nose stuck straight in the air, on a 2 lane mountain highway.  Now take that picture, and remove her head, arms, and reflexes (just incase she gets lucky and has a natural "twitch" for the road....ya know, kinda like how a grasshopper can still jump around and find his way after his(or her) head is removed.....if you've never tried this, do.....it's quite entertaining.  But in all seriousness, it doesn't hurt them AT ALL.  At least the grasshoppers never said anything to me about it hurting them.)...and that's how it seems they drive.

3.)  John Elway - giant douche bag.  Nuff said.

So here's my breakdown of how one should or should not act at a Jack Johnson concert, in order not to distract others....or how to deal with the distractees. (I heart made up words)

First, the NEVERS:

Never.....

1.)  Sing louder than Jack.  If you do, you'll probably get curb stomped by everyone at the concert.....and Jack will verbally put you down, or tell you that what you're doing "isn't cool".  (he's a pacifist, I'm not though.  I would probably verbally put you down if you blinked at me funny.)

2.)  Laugh out loud during a poignant Jack stage moment.  ESPECIALLY if you're laughing at somethng your girlfriend, or any female around you said......because we all know GIRLS AREN'T FUNNY.  (To any hot ladies out there that were planning on contacting me and wanting to make sweet love........ignore that last comment.  I'm not talking about YOU.  I think YOU'RE hilarious.  *wink*)

3.)  Get up for a bathroom break during a song.  You hold it you bastard!  Too many artists these days only have 1 or 2 good songs, therefore, you may wreck 50% of the concert this way.  LUCKILY, Jack has a plethora of great songs, so you may get off the hook.......with someone besides me; "I will change your dynamics!".  (I actually just stood up on my chair with a fist of iron in the air to prove how I will change the dynamics of you and those you love.)

NOW for the ALWAYS stuff....

Always......

1.)  Raise your $8.00, six ounce glass of beer (of which you spilled half of on your way to your seat) in the air EVERY time Jack toasts.  It is morally and socially unacceptable to not raise your 3 ounces of freedom and cheers to everyone not as fortunate as Jack, even if he's being modest.

2.)  Laugh whenever and always when Jack laughs.  I don't care if HE'S laughing at something a GIRL said, because if you don't make him feel accepted, he will probably raise ticket prices and.......fart in your general direction???  (That's a BIG maybe with the flatulence).  Just don't entice him to rule with the iron "famous person fist".  You're right, Jack is a pacifist, he wouldn't do something like that......but I'm sure he's got a monkey working behind the scenes that would!

3.)  And finally, give me all of the alcohol, memorabilia, food, and hookers that you buy at the concert.  I'm good for it, I PROMISE.  Also, I'll need to sit in the front rown, have red carpet running from the limo to my seat, and will have to be let out of the concert first.  So if you see me coming, step aside Mr. "not as important as me", because I'm out to prove a point.  Without your help in the above specified areas, I would not be able to prove the point I am after......which would be......spoil the mean blogging guy.  THE WORLD MUST KNOW!!! 

Please do what you can to contribute!

Well suckers, I gotta bang, big day ahead, and you're starting to bug me with your prying eyes.

Ridiculously yours,

The Bullshitter

HEE-HAW Gifts