THE BULLSHITTER

I have an urgent and horrifying announcement.  One of my readers has lost their sense of humor....

If you’ve seen it, it would be in everyone’s best interest to do anything possible to have it returned to him as soon as possible…….  

 

The sense of humor is described as “Fun, bubbly, and really really really likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”  I’ve reported this incident to the police, and all we can do at this point is hope.  I’ve included the official police report below.

 

Official Police Report:  At approximately 3:47 p.m.  The Bullshitter reported to the Bloghi County Sheriff’s Department, that a middle aged caucasian male, approximately 5’ 10” tall, was seen staggering through the street yelling at squirrels and elderly women.  When the reportee tried making contact with the confused and distraught individual, he only got what is described as “a fist shaking motion…..like something that my grandfather would do, except there was no handle of Bourbon present.”

 

As reported, this is the apparent conversation that was exchanged between the

man and The Bullshitter.  (And I don’t mean “The Man”, just this guy)

 

Man:  “I think you are not funny mister”

 

The Bullshitter: “I’m sorry.  If I gave you a cookie would you find me funny?”

 

Man:  “NO! Fun sucks and I’m allergic to smiling.  I break out in “frustration” hives when people tell jokes that I don’t understand.”

 

The Bullshitter: “Maybe you should see someone about this problem, like a psychiatrist, or the guy at Daylight Donuts.”

 

Man: “Don’t tell me what to do.  I’m difficult and hate babies.”

 

The Bullshitter: “Ok then.  Well, I’m calling the Fun Police.  You are one silly man.”

 

 

Police Report Continued:  The Bloghi County Fun Police, or BCFP (Holla!) were called to the location of the previously described “crazy person”, and attempted contact.  The subject was disorderly and doing the Electric Slide in the middle of Buck’s Grub n’ Pub parking lot. 

 

Of course nobody can resist the temptation of the Electric Slide, therefore the BCFP were inclined to join in the action for roughly 3-4 minutes.   BCFP officials soon realized there was no music playing, and Sgt. Langford cannot keep a beat to save his career, therefore the connective flow of the group was misplaced.  After the confusion subsided, the subject was apprehended and sent to Fun Prison until his delirium about the hilarity of life wore off.

 

The subject was released under the order to “Sleep it off, you grouchy fucker.”  He is currently under house arrest until he is able to prove he is not an ass-clown that takes everything too serious.

 

Follow Up:  The subject mentioned in the report, apparently moved to Montana to live in a cabin, excluding himself from any contact with loved ONE (he had a gerbil named Gus).  Apparently he could not handle the embarrassment he endured from THE BULLSHITTER’s  1000 daily readers pointing their 1000 or more index fingers at him and laughing at him (while feeling sorry for him) at the same time for hating life and making people all across the globe miserable.

 

On a side note, for the comfort of all of you animal loving, fur-coat hating hippies, I’d like to mention that Gus the Gerbil faired quite well in his owner’s absence.  It turns out he had direct relations to the singer of  “The Hamster Dance”, and cut an album of his own after his daring escape from the lair he was abandoned in.  It’s doing quite well actually.  He sold over 135,000 copies of his self title hip-hop album “Gerbilicious” in the first week, and is currently building a “Hamsion” (get it?  “Mansion” for a Man, “Hamsion” for a Hamster….even though I said he was a Gerbil.  Shut up, it sounded better than Gerbsion…..Hamsion just rolls right off the tongue, like Chimichanga) in an upper class development in the lower South Side.

 

And now most of you are sitting there wondering “Where in Sam Hill is this ‘Upper Class development in the lower south side?’”.  As soon as you find it, let me know, because I have no idea where it’s at.  Stupid famous rapping Gerbil’s and their lust for privacy.

 

This post goes out to anyone out there who really finds this blog NOT funny.  I appreciate your apathy and devote today’s post to you.

 

Would you like to be my friend?  Either way I’m good.

 

QUESTION OF THE DAY: 

What would it be like to be allergic to smiles?  Ick.

 

 

Have a great day~

 

The Bullshitter. 

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