THE BULLSHITTER

I think i'm slowly becoming addicted to coffee.......and not even the quality stuff, but the stuff that tastes like pure gasoline and is darker than a well-digger's asshole.......

I roll into work, fashionably late because I think i'm a big deal.......and i'm really not, it's just that nobody cares if I come and go as I please.  And you may go ahead and assume that I set the bar pretty high in the "slacker" category.  This little wormy character I work with makes the coffee every day.  The only problem is, this vertically challenged rather "flaming" individual happens to like drinking coffee that is so thick, it's lack of viscous flow is mentally astonishing.  (I think I just used a pretty crappy description that only half of you will probably comprehend.....sorry, i'll start swearing more for the sake of you vocabularily challenged people.  SHIT.  Happy dummy?  I shouldn't talk, because I may or may not have just made up the descriptive word "vocabularily" because it sounded neat.......*trailing off*.....)  Ok, shut up, you're getting me off track again.....stop it.  Say "sorry" to me right now....anyways...

So, every day, while trying to shake off whatever cranial fog that has overridden my ability to carry out any cognitive thinking, I go and grab a cup of joe.  However, I can never find the fine cut-off line of when it is time to STOP DRINKING THE SHIT.  I'm going to now show you the comparison of coffee and meth, that has me willingly considering caffeine rehabilitaion. 

Disclaimer:  If you are NOT familiar with "caffeine", it is a bitter alkaloid (C8 H10 N4 O2) and is used as a stimulant......and you're stupid.  I'm not laughing, you're laughing, i'm not laughing......

So I slam down cup number one, no problemo.  So i'm feeling a bit spry at this point, and hell, that one was pretty good, I think i'll have another.  So the obvious effects of #1 are that my eyes widen a bit, feeling a few chills flow through the body.  Nothing too distracting.  Alright #2, let's see what joy you can bring to me. 

So I said to myself, "self" (because that's what I call myself), "This stuff is wonderful, maybe the best thing that's happened to me today.", and I'd have to agree with me on this one.  This cup is REALLY good.  So good in fact, that I don't realize that my taste buds have gone into hibernation because the flavor would most likely be like taking a bunch of 5 year old Coco Puffs, crushing them up, rolling a turd in them.....then scraping off the Coco Puffs and putting what's left in your mouth.

The thing about cup #2, is that it begins to bring on the urge to #2 in your pants, because caffeine has the tendency to cause "Bowel Motility".  But by this time, my eyes start to water, the convulsions begin, and I can't stop singing the lyrics to the "Ghost Busters" theme song.

Number three is where things get hairy, so i'll briefly discuss what I've heard, since at this point I black out.  SO I'VE BEEN TOLD....after the 3rd cup, I jump up on my desk and take my pants off and swing them in the air like a lasso.  I then attempt a backflip into the wall adjacent to my desk....which as you can imagine, does me little justice and offers an EXTREMELY slim chance of success....like 0% chance, which for you mathemagicians, is not a good chance.....and if you're not a mathemagician, just trust me on this one.  So then for the rest of the afternoon i'm all strung out and wondering what i'm doing with my life.

Moral of the story.....everything is ok in moderation.....except being shot at.  I wish they would have just asked me to get down from the desk....but to actually shoot at me?  Those bastards.

I think it's time for me to stop talking for a little bit.

Say hi to your mothers for me~

The Bullshitter

Hee-Haw Gifts