THE BULLSHITTER

I would like to take a moment and share my animosity towards trains....

I'm going to break the ice on this berg right off the bat by saying that absolutely loath trains, and here's why.  It seems, that no matter where I am, one of those big metal pieces of shit is waiting for me....and most likely is waiting in my way.  So if that's not enough, the driver or "engineer" of this turd on tracks feels compelled to honk that frickin' horn at me 19 times in a row, because I may or may not be able to see him.  If there's one thing that really gets me, is the fact that a train's horn is the most vexatious noise conceivable to my conceiver.  If I am walking, i'm pretty sure the train makes it a point to slow down and point his(or her?) horn at my inner ear receptacle, and fire away, seeing exactly how long I can hold a straight face.

NOTE:  I think my record for holding a straight expressionless face when under the influence of a train horn is 3.72 seconds.

I am also convinced that trains have a mind of their own....and the ability to grow at will.  This one time, I didn't flinch at all when a train was "honking" at me......but it was because I had my 80's Butt Rock cranked up entirely too loud, and couldn't really hear the horn in the first place.  This train, started growing.....I shit you not....and I wouldn't shit you because you're my favorite turd.  The train starts growing....cars just started jumping on the end of it, and all because I wasn't entirely annoyed yet.  However, this didn't bother me all that much either, because it was still cruising along at a trainy 50 miles per hour.  But then the train pulled out it's secret weapon on me.  The train saw me turn into a crossing, and stop......this clearly signified to the train that I was waiting on the train to pass my destiniation.  This is the precise moment the train decided it would be a really cute train......sort of like the little engine that could, and this train could too, and it did.  This metal bastard starts slowing down, and stops.....right in front of me.  So there I sit, for about 20 minutes, (i'm not sure exactly what the train was thinking at this point......but it probably farted in my general direction while it was thinking) and finally decide to park my vehicle and walk across the tracks behind the train. 

Of course the train felt compelled to wail on its horn at this point......thanks train.  But I had the last laugh, because another train, which I presume was this said train's cousin...in law, derailed before my very eyes on a separate occasion.  So take that, you train jerk. 

So I guess this probably sounds like a rant.......and it is, because I had another duel with a train this morning.  But the moral of the story is to punch every train in the face if you see one, because they are ruining my life......and now they're probably going to start honking in my sleep.....so i'll have to shut my window and lay in a sweaty puddle of sleepiness and wish I had never started shit talking trains.

Darn.

Buy a shirt you cheap ass......HERE

Have a momentous day,

Bullshitter style~