Today's Bullshit: The truth about "Girl Farts"
I feel compelled to talk about "girl farts".......come along for the journey!
First, let's break down this word into it's root definition....first, lets define "girl", as listed in the Urban Dictionary.
1. girl
The creation of satan. designed to destroy the existence of mankind.
Proof that girls are evil:
First, girls need time and money:
Girl = Time * Money
And we know that time is money:
Girl = Money * Money
We also know that money is the root of all evil:
Money = Evil ^ 1/2
Therefore:
Money ^ 2 = Evil
So we are forced to conclude that:
Girl = Evil
First, girls need time and money:
Girl = Time * Money
And we know that time is money:
Girl = Money * Money
We also know that money is the root of all evil:
Money = Evil ^ 1/2
Therefore:
Money ^ 2 = Evil
So we are forced to conclude that:
Girl = Evil
Ok, next let's define "farts"...
1. fart
noun - 1. an invisible and often malevolent entity that can only originate from the human rectum; the common fart generally lies dormant until the host expels it.
verb - 1. to forcefully expel or passively allow a unit of gaseous particles from one's rectum.
aka, "blasting the butt trumpet"
verb - 1. to forcefully expel or passively allow a unit of gaseous particles from one's rectum.
aka, "blasting the butt trumpet"
His metal chair only served to amplify the mighty fart he emitted.
"A fart is a turd with all of the shit scraped off of it"
Now, if we combine those definitions, we are basically left with the most horrible-smelling evil combination conceivable to the imaginer. This is why there is such confusion about this "thing" we refer to as the "girl fart". I was once oblivious to reality and believed that girl farts were urban legends. This wasn't so much my fault, because girls had cooties for about 1/3 of my life........or they annoyed me......or my parents scared them off.....or I couldn't get a girlfriend due to my lack of "game" and "wooing talents". Whatever the reason, the "girl fart" eluded me for many moons.
After combining the above definitions, we are left with....
girl fart - noun. - "a vicious and often manevolent entity created by satan, that can only originate in the female rectum, designed to destroy the existence of mankind".
I had heard about this "girl fart" for many years. It was basically similar to the notions of Santa or the Easter Bunny.....you've heard all about them, but you'd never seen one or been in their presence. However, I soon realized that the "girl fart" only shows it's ugly head after you date the girl for any amount of time between (for me) 3 days - 2 months.
I about threw up in my sleep the first time this happened. As soon as I got back from my stark naked scream/run to the outdoors to get the foul elements removed from my nasal cavity (which I still think has some remnants of "#1"), I realized I would need something similar to a fire drill to execute and evacuate when such a thing occured.
I believe that the smell is as is, due to the fact that girls DON'T fart unless you date them. I personally know a lot of single women out there, which can only lead me to the one assumption that girls hold these babies in until they aren't single.....which explains the fermented "rotten diesel/eggs/digested crap that some girls eat" smell.
So in conclusion, I will share my "girl fart firedrill" with all of you, so you too can have an efficient plan of immediate self-removal from the infected or torched area.
GIRL FART FIREDRILL:
1. First and foremost, stay calm. DO NOT stop, drop and roll, because your clothes will become saturated with fumage....thus requiring a 264 day decontamination period where this article of clothing is unwearable....and if you try to wear it, it will eat all skin and hair off of your body.
2. It is vital that you have a respirator. It is unlikely that you will have a respirator, therefore you may place your face in your shirt....preferably in the nook (inner elbow) of your long sleeve shirt. This will allow you approximately 10 seconds of safe breathing air. DO NOT breath "nook air" for periods exceeding 20 seconds because you may accidently melt your brain.
3. It is best to find an immediate exit, such as a door, or a window. Do not use the window if it is more than 100 feet off of the ground.....some may have a "jump at all costs" mentality due to the mental anguish they have experienced in previous outings with the "girl fart". However, try to find the path of least likely "air travel". If you have no immediate recognizable exit, head upstream of the air in the room. i.e....if there is a fan or an air conditioner in the room, run directly into the stream of oncoming air.
4. If you were able to exit the room, you're lucky, but you're not finished. "girl farts" have been known to hang onto your clothes as you exit....therefore, it is recommended to run at least 3.75 miles as fast as you can to assure that you are free of contamination.
5. If you are still in the room, it is best to a.) Primal Scream to mentally prepare for any smells that may creep into your air supply. b.) Hold your breath until you pass out, and hopefully have no recollection of the past 5 minutes of hell on earth.
So there you go. A sure-fire plan, that will assist you in surviving the next inevitable female flatulant release.
Feel free to print this page for future reference,
Good luck and God Speed,
THE BULLSHITTER~
Luckily, these shirts are girl fart proof.
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this is some great bullshit. Next you should do one on women sweat or glanding
Comment by Andre Rodriguez— 2006/06/22 @ 10:51 AM — (Reply)
This is so true. How about an article on the abomination that is the congress between flesh and nylon... ie, women's stinking tights. Sheeeeet, that's enough to make you vomit.
Comment by Gareth Gwenlan— 2006/07/16 @ 01:39 PM — (Reply)
I once smelled a girl fart. I was kicking her up the arse at the time and have since developed Gout. What a farting bitch!
Comment by Lord Koob— 2006/07/16 @ 01:42 PM — (Reply)
I can't tell you how disgusted I was to find that females having skidmarked panties WASN'T a myth. No wonder they're always buying underwear. Stinkers!
Comment by Ian Frobisher— 2006/07/16 @ 01:45 PM — (Reply)
When I was 10 years old,I farted REAL LOUD in front of my parents' dinner guests. I'm 36 now,and I still laugh about it to this day! Our company acted like they didn't hear it!
Comment by Brenda— 2006/08/21 @ 11:46 PM — (Reply)