THE BULLSHITTER

Sweating like a whore in church......

The heat is horribly hot today.  Some of you anal dwelling butt monkeys would laugh at me for calling 90 and not humid HOT, but it's a shitstorm of hotness if you're asking this guy.  Are you asking this guy?  No?  Then go away, we don't mingle with your type here.

90 is top end for me!  If you need more than 90 degrees, you need a cheeseburger and fries to put some healthy insulation on your anorexic ass.  At least where I am from, we only get this taste-test of hell for about 2 weeks a year.  But we also get the opposite, which is the price you pay for being awesome huh?  Winter time, we'll hit 20-30 below zero, which some of you might cringe at, but there's some positive reasons for this.

First off, we are going to refer to "20-30 below" as "freezing ass fuckin' cold", or easily as "FAFC".....mainly because I don't feel like typing that over and over.  So the first positive about FAFC is that at this temperature, you can pretty much count on only the really hard core survivors to come around the following year.  But i'm not talking hard-core "people" per se; i'm talking about those nightmarish things that bite, crawl, infest, and kill me, you and other things that....ya know, enjoy living....and, um....aren't real big fans of dying either.

FAFC will pretty much cut down on all of the "baby eating spiders" and "man-chasing snakes" that exist on this crazy little rock.  The other plus to FAFC, which is "freezing ass fuckin' cold" for all of you "smoked too much weed in this life to remember things" people, is that you have to be one hard-core, stubborn human being to put up with FAFC.  Therefore, we immediately illiminate all of the "I wish this were Phoenix" types, because they are most likely in phoenix.  Most of you are saying "I don't get it....what's wrong with people from Phoenix?", and you're right....that made little to very little sense.  But it's so hot outside that I don't care, and don't feel like continuing this conversation you nosey pricks......not you.....him, behind you, reading over your shoulder.  So FAFC gets rid of a lot of unwanted variables....mostly all of the things that kill "me" to protect "them".

I actually enjoyed talking about the cold weather there for a bit.  Talking about cold stuff makes you feel warm!

Let me talk about a few more bone-chilling cold things.

1.  "This one time, I dated this cold hearted bitch named Rebecca."

COMMENT:  Wait, I definitely got the chills from how cold that woman was....but we used to call her "the devil" which sends a mixed emotion to the old feelers....and she was really "hot".  Man, that is like chasing Jalepenos with an ice cold beer........

2.  "I went snow skiing this one time, and there was a blizzard, and it was about 20 below zero with the wind chill" (NOTE:  For anyone that doesn't know what "wind chill" is, do a backflip into the nearest wall because you are uncultured and ignorant....and probably have a funny looking face.....so maybe you could take care of the face problem with a front flip into the wall instead....your call)  I was riding up the chairlift, and was to the point where I could not feel my fingers or my toes.  I finally got to the top, and was trying my best to regain circulation.  I started into a steep tree run, and just when I could feel my toes again, I caught an edge and hit my balls dead center on a tree.

COMMENT:  I sort of had you going with the skiing story huh?  I mean, it even made ME feel "cool"....and not in the way that I feel and exploit every day of my cool life.  It actually is a true story.  Except I left out the part where I cry like a little girl, because that would ruin the effect of "coldness" and then "painful chills", because now you know how I felt.

....of course I never mentioned the overwhelming confidence I had later on that I could sleep with any woman available because after my run-in with the tree, I was pretty sure I was incapable of having children..........but this was the same mindset that gave me crabs.......KIDDING, you sick bastards.

Well, I hope I cooled your day down.....at least for a minute....

On behalf of THE BULLSHITTER,

Stay Cool~

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