THE BULLSHITTER

The epic battle of "To get to work on time, or not to get to work on time"....

So i'm a little bit of a sucker these days.  I've been slacking my ass off on getting to work on time mainly due to one fact....a hot ass woman.  Women will be the death of me, i've already decided....and I actually mean that they will drive me to insanity, for good reasons.  If that doesn't work out for me, then one will probably kill me....literally.

Here is how my typical shitty morning starts:

6:00:  Alarm goes off.  My alarm is super sweet, because it plays soothing nature sounds instead of horrifying  "shit yourself in fear" buzzing sounds.  However, lately it hasn't been as sweet.....because I think my alarm clock birds are possessed, mainly because the nature sounds fine for a bit, and then something reminiscent of how the devil might sound.......while he's taking a shit, starts playing.  I guess this isn't all that bad, because getting the shit scared out of you by a possessed alarm clock taking a shit, is a very effective "wake up tool".

6:10:  My "snooze button reflex", as I like to call it (referring to my unconscious ability to strike my snooze button from anywhere in the room in 0.0243 seconds while sleeping) has already kicked in once.....but like any other regular american, I hit it 2 more times before making a move for the shower.

6:30:  I finally feel worthless enough to attempt to get up.  I do the obligatory, stare at the ceiling (I am really tired while I type this, and actually typed ceiling as "seeling".......I am an idiot) and sigh, with the "What am I doing with my life" mind setting.  So my girlfriend, whom isn't much of a cuddler when it gets down to "Prime Sleeping Time", is sprawled out on her side of my bed.  This is the point where I have to be absolutely silent, and do the whole "slide out of bed without waking the beast" manuever.

6:40:  The manuever takes me all of 8 minutes to complete, the silence is killing me, and my muscles ache from holding my shifty pose for extended periods of time.  I am almost free of contact with my bed.....one last little push off and i'm bolting for the shower.  "CREAKKKKKKKKKK"....fuck! 

This little noise, which probably couldn't be detected at any other hour of the day, is enough to wake up my girlfriend......who is just gorgeous, i'm not even going to lie to you.  She rolls over, looks at me with those big dough eyes, and whispers...."Don't go".  DAMMMITT!!!  Everything that i've worked for, down the shitter with one little whisper......i am officially a little bitch.

9:00:  Finally am able to get showered, and dressed.....still have to lay with her for 10 minutes convincing myself that I should and will go to work......no, I don't need to go....yes I do.....but she's so hot!.....fuck!

9:28:  Stroll into work........acting like i've been there for 3 hours.  Boss catches me in the act and asks "Where were you this morning"....and of course I answer with the ONLY answer that is applicable..."I, uh...had a thing".

I hate my life......sort of.....not really.......I just hate giving into temptation....always.

Have a great couple of hours......

Concordantly yours,

the bullshitter

And as always, here's funny shit if you haven't seen it.......heehaw gifts

Go buy yourself something nice!