THE BULLSHITTER

Today's Topic:  Independence Day, But more importantly.....fireworks.

And don't forget to check out Hee-Haw Gifts !!

So I took a little (wait, no...a ridiculously big) road trip to a lake this weekend with some friends and family.  I bought about $200 in explosives and about the same in alcohol (excellent combination) and away we went.  So we end up driving about 700 miles to hit our destination, which seems a bit much.....but trust me, completely worth it. 

I'd like to first spark off the tradition of "firework warfare".  This little ditty i'm referring to, is pretty much like male egotism.....with gunpowder and a fuse.  Pretty much self defined, basically consisting of families sitting on different points of the lake, competing in miniature warfare.  There's always the pre-emptive firework striker, who just can't help but shoot off some lame-ass whole-sale firework that he bought last year.  (I'm referring to him as "him" because we probably all know the vast majority of all pyros consist of men mostly between the age of 0-1000).  So then the competition begins.  All over, groups begin firing some small range crappy missiles, or roman candles and what not.  The real lame-asses will do snap-its and sparklers......and we all know the only cool thing about sparklers is when you wrap a bunch of them with electrical tape......and, well you know the rest....and if you don't, i'm not going to be liable for your explosions.  Others try to out-annoy the other camps by using the screaming whatchamathingers, and saturn missiles....more or less just to piss everyone and their mother off.

As things progress, you find out where the real 4th of July fanatics are located......due to their firey nature.  It turns out, our camp picks a different strategy.  We decided to drink a lot of tequila, and then figure out what our firework warfare order was going to be.  So our friend Jose, decided for us, that it was a good approach to instead of compete artillery to artillery right off of the start....that we would instead bomb the neighbors with a fleet of long range missles first....and then laugh our asses off.

This approach worked supprisingly well...because while all other "enemies", we will call them, were busy trying to out macho each other.....we were firing speedy terror shots at their camp fires.  If you are good....and i mean GOOD, you can easily scare off at least 3 campsites worth of people, because they don't feel like dying at the moment.  I won't lie....our rockets weren't F-ing around.  And the masquerade of artillery that follows will probably go down in history......at least our family history........or at least we will talk about it for awhile......or we talked about it for about 10 minutes and then started playing drinking games....yeah, that's what it was.

Our grande finale consisted of 12 artillery tubes, all with triple-shot artilleries.....all which were illegal in the state we were in.  I was fortunate enough to light the fuse, and turn and stumble over the campfire while escaping what very well could've been the start of WW3....roll over, just in time to watch 36 illegal shells go off at once.  AMAZING......and smelly.  I don't mean smelly, like the smell of sulfur from the fireworks.....but smelly because after about falling in the fire, I may or may not have pooped in my pants....just a little.

So hooray for me, and that.....and those who can relate.

I would like to send a shout out to the neighbors who enjoy a good incoming rocket....we enjoy it too.

I would also like to send a shout out to the man who decided "What should I do with my Rocket Science degree?  NASA maybe?  No WAY, fuck NASA, i'm going to perfect the flight of the Firework Rocketry.....that's where the REAL stuff is at!"  I love you Mr. Rocketman.

Hope you didn't lose any/too many fingers over your holiday...

Sincerely yours....no, not YOURS....the other guy, behind you....yeah, him.

The Bullshitter....