THE BULLSHITTER

Today's Topic:  The sensational sport of Softball....and the dullards who take it too seriously..

So I had a softball game last night.  After one trip to the gym, 9 holes of golf, and 8 cold ones, I get on my game face, and prepare for my journey through the belly of the beast which we refer to as rec-league Softball.  You'll run into a variety of sorts at the old softball complex.  If you've never been, I strongly advise showing up in your most comfortable pair of sweatpants, with 6 beers in your gut, and flask in hand.  Find a comfortable spot and prepare to laugh your drunk ass off.  If you're paying just a little bit of attention to the surroundings, and not only to yourself (you conceited asshole), then you might run across something a-like so...

First, you'll have the dad who could never let the dream die.  This is the friendly fella that's engine is fueled by Pepcid AC and shit-talking.  Usually he is pitching, because he's old, and with that gas tank of a beer-gut he's dragging around, it would be pretty much impossible to be effective anywhere besides the dugout.  This guy actually has the audacity to talk shit to the batter while he's pitching.  Shit talking doesn't bother me, but something strikes me off-kilter when a grown man is trying to sound tough, while throwing a big white ball, in Recreational League softball, underhand.  I actually peed in my pants just a little bit, because of this very man.  I was the batter.  So the Bullshitter solutes you, Mr. "you're going to have to rip this bat out of my cold dead hands because I used to be the best".

Next, you might stumble across the guy dressed in full baseball uniform.  I'm talking EVERYTHING decked out!  Like, the baseball gay-man pants, knee socks, cleats with fresh spikes.....and of course=> face paint under the eyeballs.    NOTE:  The previous subject usually falls into this category too.....and in some instances, you will run across an entire team of these toolboxes, because the only thing that makes one overly dressed softball player feel not-stupid.....is an entire team at his side looking just as stupid.

As you gaze around, you'll also find the one player that is scared SHITLESS.  I'm not speaking about just being  scared of the ball.  I mean scared of a.) the Ball, b.) the Pitcher, c.) Bees, d.) Rec-league softball, and last but not least e.) his shadow.  This no-ball pussy loser is the guy you want to aim for, if you can....it is rec-league, so I wouldn't expect that from you.  However, even if you cannot hit the ball at this guy, whom we will refer to as Donnie, even if you get out, you can still run by him on your way back to the dugout and yell at him.  This will immediately cause Donnie to piss in his pants and start crying, which ultimately makes you laugh and feel better about the shitty pop-out you just commited.  Thanks Donnie, for everything, really man...

Those are the most important characters in this fine film we call reality TV softball.....however, there is a wonderful supporting cast whom I will briefly mention.  *please hold your applause till the end*

First of all, I'd like to give a special thanks to Mr. Ex-Major League baseball player.  I love to watch you show us how tough you are, because you can send a softball into the upper stratosphere.......but I know you're still a bitch, because if you were that macho, you wouldn't be playing here with the rest of us bitches~

Of course I have to give a special hand to Mr. Weak Hitter.  We know that you have the confidence of a scared kitten as it is, however we immediately tear you down further because we know you can barely hit past the infield line, and move in 50 yards closer when you are at bat......and smile when we do it.

And last but not least.  To the fans that are drunk in the stands laughing at all of the things....funny, and absolutely not funny.  Because without you.....it just wouldn't be softball.

To all of you special Eds....the Bullshitter sends out a warm welcome, and a one-fingered solute!  You make the softball world go around.......god bless

Sincerely,

The Bullshitter~

We'd appreciate any good softball stories if you have one.....thanks.