THE BULLSHITTER

1.  A Time to think:  "All appears to change when we change" - Henri Amiel

2.  A Time to Act:  "Live your affirmations"

3.  A Time to Pray:  "Dear God, thank You for giving me a fresh start each and every day"

********************** I'm about to sneeze... ********************************

1.  "All appears to change when we change" - Henri Amiel

What exactly are we changing?  I know that there are a few roads we could venture down with this one.....so by process of elimination from "Normal" to "Screwed in the head", we will venture down the least normal path possible. 

Let's go ahead and assume they're referring to the "Chaos Theory".  For you that are unfamiliar with the Chaos theory, i.e. have not left the house in 12 months (roughly) I will explain it in one deep breath......

Chaos Theory:  "A flap of a butterflies wings has the power to offset atmospheric conditions over a period of time.....long story short, anything can effect everything".  (for any of you who decide to argue this portion, I will throw big chewed up gumballs at you for focussing on the wrong part of this.....wait, there's the theory again "any of you who are assholes, will piss EVERYONE off"....it's flawless, I SWEAR!)

So obviously, if I decide to do a cartwheels down the interstate, then it is very likely I will offset some sort of condition in the World......I'm not sure If I would cause a tornado, but I bet I would cause many-a-mad mothertrucker to let me know how "Number One" I am in their eyes.  This clearly is a decently extreme case....let's take it down a notch....

If an ant farts (I'm not sure if this is even possible, i'm not sure how the anatomy of the ant works.....so if anyone has any expertise, feel free to comment and help out), I don't know if it will cause global warming.  So, regardless of what is meant by this quote....(because we really don't care as much as you think), we still were able to talk about the chaos theory, and more importantly, ants farting.....and I spose that all of the big industry gurus out there should throw the "Farting Ant Theory" into their legal court presentation.  It clearly creates a strong defensive approach on their behalf on global warming, and could lower fines to them for our  "blind perceptions" that THEY are causing the earth's Ozone layer to dwindle.......motherfu*king ants!

2.  "Live your affirmations"

I.E...."live what you believe to be true".  Wow!  This might be the best damn news that i've heard since I found out in that "one" email forward, that Bill Gates wanted to give me millions of his dollars for forwarding that "one" email to all my stupid friends.....they're stupid because we all know he wanted to only give the money to me....not them.....dumbasses.....ok, coming back to the topic....

The length of this list could vary greatly with the individual.  So let's hit my "top 5 things I believe to be true" 

"Top 5 things I believe to be true"

1.  "I believe that the movie "Anchorman" is a documentary of the life of christ.....in a hidden, super secret      contextual layout".  Ron Burgundy, larger than life, with disciples whom seek his guidance and approval.  Hitting rock bottom, but somehow overcoming all odds, and finding redemption.  Though, I don't believe Jesus could ever make me laugh near as hard as Will Farrell does.

2.  "I could actually be The President".  Let's face it, I just got done watching Bush explain the "difference between dinner and lunch in Texas" for about 5 minutes.....with the entire crowd laughing histerically.  I have the utmost respect for his leadership, just because any President deserves the utmost respect of the people.....but he made me realize, that to be good at his job, you don't have to be a "Super Genius", you just have to be good at "Chess" and "I spy".  Go Bush!

3. "I am the funniest man alive". Referring to the previous "crowd laughter", I think that I could sit in THAT room, with THOSE people, and talk about dissecting giraffe balls, and they would never let me leave because they were so entertained by my wit and charm.

4.  "When the going gets tough, the tough get drunk".  I've realized, that by living by my affirmations, it's actually ok to "try to finish that keg" on a sunday evening as long as you FINISH THE KEG on that attempt.  Oh, and it's alright to drink 5 of 7 days of the week as long as it's during the last 2 weeks of the semester, because let's face it....alcohol is pretty much ALL that is keeping us hanging on at this point in the semester.....AMEN.

5.  "I can make anyone look like a giant assclown; to what level of assclown I transform them, depends directly upon what they did to piss me off".  Since we've already concurred that i'm the funniest/charmiest/wittiest person on the globe, I can pretty much hang your unwitty/uncharmy/unfunny ass out to dry for my own entertainment pleasures.....life is good in my affirmations.....

So if you get down today, go ahead and dream up a list of your own affirmations, and grab life by it's "whatever you want to grab", and let people know how frickin cool you are....or at least don't live by someone else's affirmations, because then you're just an "unoriginal affirmationistic puppet".....

I'm going to sleep better tonight, knowing the above.....and also knowing I might have made up about 5-10 new and useful words in the previous SHPEAL!

3.  "Dear God, thank You for giving me a fresh start each and every day"

Even though, based on my alcoholic tendencies at this time of the year......I sometimes try to make some of those really REALLY fresh starts stretch out into 2 or 3 day benders....

You've just been "Bullshitted", have a great day!